Same Sex Attraction

I would like to clarify something at the beginning of this post: it may be a long one.

Introduction

The amount of controversy surrounding same sex attraction is unprecedented. Pushing aside questions of legality, morality, and equality, I would like to focus on one question in this post. What is the origin of same sex attraction? Where does it come from? Many claim that same sex attraction is natural, that people who feel attracted to others of their own gender are born that way. Many others claim that same sex attraction is a choice.

What Dr. Daryl Bem (a psychologist who has studied same sex attraction) proposes is a little different. He calls his theory "the exotic becomes erotic" (EBE). I will summarize it in brief. In summarizing, we will track the development of homo sexual feelings through a young man, simply because it is simpler to perceive.

The EBE Model

One of the great things about people is that every person is different. Each is born with a unique set of traits, which can vary from one extreme of a spectrum to another. Our example follows a young man who is born as a compassionate, caring, kind, and nurturing individual. What studies have found (and personal experience among many parents, some of whom might even be reading this blog) is that boys with these characteristics or tendencies are less likely to play with cars, toy guns, and the like. They avoid violence and aggression. Instead, they are more likely to play with barbies, dolls, show interest in art and drawing, and favor gentler interactions over rough-housing. From the development of these characteristics, it becomes easy to track a pattern.

A) Birth- Age 5: The boy displays natural characteristics and tendencies towards compassion and gentle interactions.

B) Age 5-8: The boy beings to make friends and associate with other boys his age. His gentler tendencies are noticed by other boys and may elicit occasional mocking.

C) Age 8-11: The boy's gentler tendencies are met with outright scorn and rejection. This is why I chose to look that the EBE model from the perspective of a boy. When a girl displays boy-like qualities at this age, she is given the appellation "tom-boy." However, when a boy displays feminine characteristics at this age (such as aversion to aggression, sports, competition in general, etc), his friends give him labels which may be among the following: sissy, wuss, femmy, he-she, and others. I can vouch for the veracity of this claim: I remember these words being tossed around even in elementary school.

D) Age 10-12: The boy perceives himself as a different; and outcast. Feeling rejected, unwanted, and emasculated by his own gender, he turns to seek approval from the opposite gender: girls his own age. That is the tendency of children at this age - they want approval from their own gender. If such approval is denied to them, then they will turn to the opposite gender in order to feel welcome.

E) Age 12- 13: Puberty begins. Typical boys and girls will begin at this time to seek approval not from their own gender, but from the opposite. In the case of the boy we have been following, the opposite is true. He has not yet received approval from his fellow young men, but from young women. Consequently, as the young women around him turn to seek approval from young men, so will he. It has become natural for him to do as the girls do.

F) Age 13-18: When he first begins to make friendships with boys, there is no sexual drive behind his actions. Rather, the drive is emotional. The other people of his own gender are exotic to him, different, and he feels welcomed by their approval for the first time in his life. That warmth of approval leads the boy to day-dreaming, imagination, and romantic emotions. Those emotions give way to physical urges, and the boy feels a sexual attraction that has stemmed, not necessarily from a predisposition to homosexuality, but from the negative effect that labeling has on people. He now identifies himself as gay.

In conclusion, the theory states that in many cases, the cause of same sex attraction is not something that arises in birth, but rather the result of negative exaggerations of the natural characteristics that diversify humanity. That is something we will return to shortly.

Support for the EBE Theory

I have personally met people who can testify that they have passed through similar experiences. One of my professors, from whom I learned and with whom I have at length discussed this theory, shared two stories with me. In both of these stories, he (my professor) worked with men who were trying to overcome their attraction to other men. When my professor shared this theory with these two men (and these were separate occasions), they both burst into tears and said that my professor had just described their entire lives. The catalyst for everything that happened to them, culminating in their self-identification as homosexuals, was the labeling and rejection that they received in their early childhood years.

Therapists who have worked with people trying to overcome their attraction to others of their own gender try to undo the damage wrought in the early stages of adolescence. They help people first to develop platonic friendships with their own gender. Then they move on to romantic relationships with people of the opposite gender. My professor shared a third story where a man who had previously identified as homosexual walked into my professor's office, threw down his hat, and exclaimed that he felt confused and lost. When my professor pressed the issue, the man said that he felt much happier around women now. He said that he wanted them to stay longer and he wanted to be close to them, and hug them a little longer. Because this man had been able to resolve the issues in his past, he was able to overcome his attraction to other men.

Conclusion

Now, I am not claiming that labeling, rejection, and malicious ostracizing are the sources of all homo-sexual attraction. However, they are major contributions. We see the same in issues of racism, religious extremists, terrorism, and many of the world's great conflicts and wars.

One of my goals in this blog is to share the results of studies and theories. It was not my intention to share my own opinions or beliefs, but regarding this topic, I feel an inclination to do so. I feel an overwhelming need to do so. My opinion and remarks as follow are not about homosexual relationships, but rather, about how we treat each other as human beings.

 As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I believe that kindness should be shown to all people, regardless of any perceived differences. Jesus Christ said "he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil who is the father of contention" (3 Nephi 11:29). I believe that each person is born with gifts from our Heavenly Father, "and there are different ways that these gifts are administered, but it is the same God who worketh all in all" (Moroni 10:8). These unique gifts are designed to help us reach the divine potential we have to be good people.

Let us examine the traits that the boy in our EBE model had. When he was born and growing as a small child, he showed compassion. He had a nurturing side to him, which he expressed through the care he showed to the dolls he played with. He could identify with the beauty around him, which was evidenced through his love of art, and later manifested itself in the way he dressed and took care of himself. What young woman or potential mother would not want such attributes in a husband, or in a father to her children? But that might never happen, because of the way we treat each other - especially those who seem different

But we are not perfect people. When we see the good in other people, sometimes our own jealousy and insecurities get the better of us, and we mock the righteous attributes others have. Then, those righteous attributes become a shame instead of a blessing, and the continued scorn we show to each other drives us further down into the mud of depression and self-loathing.

I am saying these things because those who feel attracted to others of their own sex struggle in a world where they are so often hated, and where they feel a victim of prejudice and scorn. While the last section of this entry had little to do with the specifics of studies regarding same sex attraction, I would like to point out that regardless of how each of us feels regarding homosexual relations, people, marriages, or families, it is our duty as human beings to show love and respect in all circumstances. Maybe then we can work out the issues together. Or even better, maybe then, there would not even be issues to work out.